"Always, I feel blessed by the gift of awareness, how awareness lends to silence, and how silence lends to peace, where I am able to give myself the freedom to choose calm over chaos. Favourable conditions do not create my peaceful mind. My peaceful mind creates favourable conditions."
The pink cloud illuminated above the arbutus on the ridge from my view. I watched with intent as it seemed still, void of movement, hanging in one spot in the darkening skyscape. As all around it turned dark, it's colour faded and it moulded into a soft night grey until it disappeared. It's illumination dimmed, eventually wandered away by a soft wind. I love these little pockets in a regular day. Always, I feel blessed by the gift of awareness, how awareness lends to silence, and how silence lends to peace where I am able to give myself the freedom to choose calm over chaos. Favourable conditions do not create my peaceful mind. My peaceful mind creates favourable conditions.
December came in without peace this year. I struggled to find my equilibrium as the grief trifecta of her birthday, accident day and death day came rushing at me. As usual, I allowed myself to be messy. Four years deep, I have learned to navigate loss with HONESTY. And not just the loss of her, but the loss of so many pieces of life and myself that used to be. Some let go of fearlessly, and some with a clinging grip before release. Like anyone, I am human and I have my moments. While I struggled, it was suggested to me to write a letter to peace. Ironically, suggested by the most destructive person in my life at that time. As I practiced relational life in the space between peace and grief I realized the suggestion was never for my contentment, but more for his need to correct my state of mind to create his own comfort. I can understand the struggle of witnessing a navigation towards healing one couldn't find within, but knowing my healing is my own responsibility and vice versa, I forged forward in my own way. I took December as it came, and as usual the specific days were met with softness showing me that it was indeed the anticipation of them potentially hurting like the day she died that was the culprit of my disconnect. Or perhaps, on those specific days she is with me to guide me in the direction to create some level ground when I stand where her ashes are, where her accident happened and when she died. Either way, I hold the space before, during and afterwards as sacred. There isn't much else that gets my attention in December other than honouring her. It was the first year I spent this time with others. Her birthday with a friend, her accident day with my daughter and my family in Alberta, and then I did the most important work of all and spent her death day alone. Just myself, no service and no connection to anything in the woods of Jordan River. Three days of silence, reading, writing, creating, and being. I emerged weightless. In this weightlessness is when I realized what my letter to peace would say. It just so happened my letter to peace was identical to my letter to her on the fourth year of her death.
Dear Peace,
There was a time when I didn't have you, but it was also a time when I didn't know you are always with me. In knowing who you are now, I am so grateful in understanding the crevices in me where you live, and how sometimes my mind leads me to believe you are gone, but really it has just hidden you. My human-like moments of struggle. They are all the same as the moments you are present. You are so steady. Your consistency gives me such a beautiful place to lean. Your ability to stand next to giant waves and the still water of emotion is such a beautiful space. When I was born into this world, I was given a life where you were buried. Somehow in my curious, feisty nature, I refused to believe things were as they were told to me. I questioned it all and not only did I have to find you, I had to draw the map to get there. I waded through all kinds of terrain and struggled only to realize that you are always accessible. Not one of those days was wasted. On my tough days, I still see you there and you take me to the ocean, you let me cry, you let me know that it is totally cool to be imperfect. You just let me know that my imperfect moments only belong to me, and don't need to stick to others. And when the sun is shining and the heart is full, you still hold that same space, unwavering. I see you. I see you in the exact same ways that I see death and the exact same ways that I see her. You are in everything. Every tree, every heart rock lining the trail, every tear, every pain in my heart space. Peace, the greatest thing about you is that you show me that everything is my choice. While you may put someone or something in my path who is trying to take you away, you have showed me, it is impossible. We are one. It is merely a reflection that they don't understand the peace of their own. You show me that my peace can only be shared when it is as respected by others as it is respected by you and I. You and I make this little life of mine what it is. I am so grateful that I have people in my life who respect you and I. They are the ones who always show up like a fortress when someone is trying to cause trouble. In moments when I can't see, they show me where you are. Just the same, I thank you for knowing that I love nature and using nature to show me how to find my grounding, happiness, beautiful tiny moments, and excitement over it all. The ways I see you in nature bring me so much joy and allows me to find my center.
Peace. You are such a heart centered guide in my life. Thank you.
With Metta,
L.
December 16, 2023 - A letter to Cassidy
When I woke up this morning i'd forgotten. My mind was occupied by my good sleep, the assurity of taking my medication, and the cabin's beautiful light. But then, I remembered. I remembered why I am here in the first place and I felt ashamed i'd not awoke thinking about it. But, I suppose these are the also the moments to know as well as the sad ones. They don't take my connection away. They just allow me to be and breathe in some normal function outside of death, yet not to take away anything lost. I suppose it gives me some insight as I assume others have forgotten you. But, that is not true. You are unforgettable. It is simply that you sway in and out. Sometimes I can carry onward and sometimes you place a most perfect heart rock at my feet for me to collect. I know you're here and perhaps it was you that allowed me to wake peacefully this morning. It is certainly you that allows me to notice. I'd gone down the loft after my outdoor shower to see magnificent light rays cutting through the moss covered trees. I sat outside for the longest time. I'd gone out earlier and it was dim out yet the sound of the creek was soothing. Today, as expected, is really peaceful and I am enjoying myself here. You taught me how to love myself Cassidy. You handed me my world the day you left your body. Now here I am in the forest alone with abundant appreciation for the life I have been given. Grateful in life and death.
Favourable conditions do not create a peaceful mind. My peaceful mind creates favourable conditions.
I Love You,
mama
Comments